


...And Sometimes, The World Just Conspires Against You

by josephina_x



Series: Seven Years Later And Still Getting Into Trouble... [1]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Crack, Post-Series, Post-Seven-Years-Later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-15
Updated: 2012-09-16
Packaged: 2017-11-14 06:47:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josephina_x/pseuds/josephina_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex Luthor is the president-elect. He holds a party to celebrate this. Zatanna shows up.</p><p>...Yeah, it goes downhill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Luthor Parties Are The Best Parties

**Author's Note:**

> Yet another new series, somewhat prompted by an idea in [this comment thread](http://archiveofourown.org/comments/1407037) that sat and percolated for awhile, and popped out after listening to 'You Look Better When I'm Drunk' on repeat.
> 
> On a related note: if you like Avengers fanfic and movie!Loki, forget reading this Smallville fic -- go read [Alis Dee's ongoing series](http://archiveofourown.org/series/19680) _now_ , _NOW_ , I say!

~*~*~*~*~*~

Lex Luthor, Bane Of Existence of all-things-Superman, knew how to throw a party.

Getting elected to the White House? Was _definitely_ one of those circumstances calling for a really, truly _excellent_ party.

He decided on something small and tasteful, with just a few close friends (ha!), peers (double-ha!), colleagues, co-workers, election staff...

...and half the city of Metropolis, just because he could.

It wasn't like he didn't have the money for it, so, seriously -- why the hell not?

By the time he was done with the lower thirty floors of LexCorp Towers, it was standing-room only, and they had spill-out onto the _street._

...Yes, yes, he _was_ that good, thank you.

He wasn't the only one having a blast either, he found as he circulated freely, receiving congratulations and getting high off the energy and endorphin-rush-by-proximity of all the genuine face-splitting smiles and good cheer and just overall vibrating-with-joy-and-happiness high spiritedness of literally _everyone_ he met.

He didn't remember inviting Zatanna, but once he'd checked that she'd been cleared by Secret Service who were already following him around -- he wasn't stupid -- he decided he wasn't going to throw the magic user out on principle after further remembering that she didn't get along so well with the League because she was too much of a wildcard for their seal of Heroic approval -- he wasn't _that_ stupid. ...So she'd party-crashed -- fine, at least she wasn't the goddamn _Kardashians_ \-- and maybe he wasn't too happy about that, the possibility of her presence being Vigilante-oversight or not, but after a good chug of the champagne she'd brought, he didn't really _care_.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Superman sighed as he heard the inevitable _BOOM!_ in the direction of LexCorp Towers -- because of course Lex would do something stupid at his self-congratulatory pat-on-the-back-for-pulling-the-wool-over-the-eyes-of-the-vast-majority-of-the-American-public party -- and he slipped into super-speed changing into his costume.

He slipped into the air and came to a stop thirty feet away from the edge of the roof, hovering just out of range of the green Kryptonite embedded in the barrier wall.

...Then he blinked as he realized that the effects he usually felt getting that close to the building, weren't.

There, that is.

Frowning, he approached slowly and cautiously, and noted that Zatanna and Lex were twirling together in a ballroom dance on the top of the roof as he glanced around suspiciously.

Ok, so where the hell were the explosions?

Then Zatanna let go with one hand, gesturing at the sky, and let loose a huge magical light display overhead.

...Great.

Then Lex apparently decided that he needed to one-up her and gestured at the sky with a hand suddenly full of remote-control device.

Clark reflexively hit the deck as Lex released--

...normal fireworks. They weren't even green.

Um.

Ok...

Zatanna noticed him and gave him a grin as he pulled himself up off the gravel-top of the building and discretely brushed himself off.

"Well, look who joined the party!" she exclaimed, and Lex whirled around, and Clark reflexively winced away.

After Lex didn't do anything immediately but stare at him poker-faced and expressionless and he'd regrouped, Clark gave Zatanna a glare -- one of his better ones -- and crossed his arms for good measure.

"So, tell me true, Kal," Zatanna said, with a gleam in her eye. "Are you here for me, or for Lex?"

"Lex," Clark said promptly, because he wasn't _stupid_.

"Yay!" Zatanna enthused, clapping her hands together excitedly and bouncing up and down. "Did you hear that Lex? He's here for you!" she told the billionaire, turning to him with a grin.

Clark blinked, feeling like he'd missed something.

"...Really?" Lex said, glancing between Zatanna and Clark-as-Superman. He got wide-eyed and looked a little like he had at the riverbank after the crash when...

Clark wrenched his train of thought right off of those tracks completely, before it got any further.

Clearly Lex was a little bit drunk. Just a little bit. On the 'very' side of completely smashed.

"Yup! He picked you over me," Zatanna informed him, then leaned in towards Lex and said conspiratorilly, "Was there ever any doubt?"

Lex bit his lip absently and looked like he was thinking that one over. He almost looked...

...bashful.

Ok, maybe Lex was a little more drunk than that.

"Maybe a little bit," Lex said quietly, sliding his hands into his pockets and glancing down and away. "He doesn't always come when I do things, you know," he added. "Sometimes he sends other Leaguers."

...Ok, maybe Lex was a _lot_ more drunk than that.

Zatanna gave a theatrical gasp and covered her chest with one hand. "No!" she said, sounding scandalized.

Lex gave a side-to-side swaying shrug and nodded as he stared at the ground. _Unhappily._

Clark revised Lex's possible level of drunkenness a notch or two further upwards.

"How could he!" Zatanna said consolingly in similar vein, and Clark decided enough was enough. He took the risk of taking a few careful side-step strides forward, grabbed Zatanna's elbow, and pulled her off to the side a bit -- _not_ roughly, he wasn't a complete _moron_ \-- to have a semi-private discussion with her.

"Why are you instigating things?" Clark hissed at her. Because whoever was assigned Lex-duty that night was _supposed_ to be keeping a lid on things, _not_ explosively blowing the top off the entire affair and, well, _explosives_. Kind of the opposite of that. Why Chloe had selected her, Clark had no idea, especially given her reputation for what she _did_ at parties in the past. Like his own grossly misfired combined bachelor's/bachelorette's party. "That's the exact opposite of what you should be doing here!"

"What are you talking about?" Zatanna told him. "It's an excellent party. I am _all about_ the excellent parties! Magician, and all, right?" she said with a smile, gesturing at herself.

"... _What_ ," Clark said flatly.

"Magician," she repeated, which was _not_ what Clark had been asking and she _totally_ knew that.

Not that something like that would ever stop her.

"You know, you're making him sad," Zatanna pointed out, nodding over at Lex, all alone in the center of the roof. Clark glanced over and realized Lex was outright _pouting_ at them.

Clark revised Lex's possible level of drunkenness upwards yet again.

"Ok, so now that the special guest has finally arrived, I'm gonna leave you two lovebirds to it, ok?" she said brightly, turning and striding off towards the rooftop entry door.

Clark suddenly had the sneaking suspicion that not only had Chloe not assigned Zatanna Lex-duty, but that Chloe might not even _know_ that Zatanna was even in the vicinity of Metropolis _at all_.

"Zee--!" he called after her, reaching out a restraining hand -- but no, she wasn't _actually_ headed for the door at all, as she suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Clark glanced over at Lex, who was still pouting at him.

Crap.

"Superman," Luthor grumbled out, not looking up and kicking at the gravel a little bit.

"...Lex," Clark greeted him warily. That got Lex raising his head up to peer at him under lowered eyelids.

Well, he was doing ok so far -- he hadn't gotten shot at yet. So he pushed his luck. "I'm a special guest?" Clark asked, wondering what was so special about him, and dreading what exactly he was supposed to be a 'guest' _for_.

Lex nodded at him, his head coming up completely.

Clark realized that Lex had been slouching slightly, and that now he seemed more... straight-backed, but relaxed.

Wow. He hadn't seen _this_ Lex in... awhile.

Clark took a cautious step forward. Lex didn't look defensive, or really change posture at all, so he took another wary step forward after that.

"I noticed that the green-K seems to have disappeared. For the night," Clark said neutrally. He did _not_ make a snide comment to the effect of Lex probably having shipped it all off to the White House, nor did he ask if Lex was currently or had already finished readying a corps of painters to splash green over the white.

"It hasn't _disappeared_ ," Lex frowned at him and Clark sucked in a slight breath. "I just had the lead shielding slide in place over it," he continued.

There was a pause as Clark contemplated this.

"I didn't know you could turn it on and off," he said, which was true enough because the entire building was shielded against his x-ray vision and superhearing by this point.

Lex's frown deepened slightly. "It doesn't turn _on and off_ , it's radioactive matter--" he said peevishly, and Clark had to fight leaning back away from him, but he guessed he'd failed because Lex's gaze suddenly narrowed, zeroing in on him -- and only him -- completely. Like a hawk.

A really drunk hawk. Eyeing a very edible bird of smaller size.

Clark froze.

Lex watched him with something approaching a glare for a long moment, then blew out a breath and looked irritated as he sighed and glanced away.

"Was having fun downstairs celebrating winning," he muttered, like Clark was ruining it somehow.

"Congratulations," Clark said reflexively, before internally wincing as Lex's drunk-hawk-like attention swiveled right back over to him.

And then he nearly rocked backwards as his brain registered Lex's blinding happy grin like a physical blow.

"Thank you!" Lex said like he meant it, and Clark wondered when he'd slipped into the backwards Bizarro-world dimension. He braced himself for a laser shot to the head.

...Aaaaaany second now.

Then he realized that, darn his manners, he hadn't actually sounded sarcastic or dry or _anything_ really when he'd congratulated Lex.

Oops.

"I didn't think you'd voted for me," Lex continued, looking so pleased he was almost openly preening.

"I... am pretty sure that I have the right not to disclose that information to anybody," Clark said carefully.

"Not even the president?" Lex said, folding his arms behind his back, raising his eyebrows, and looking serious for a moment.

"Secret ballot," Clark nearly snapped back immediately, suddenly feeling defensive. It came out coolly.

"That's true," Lex said, before he started grinning again.

"Don't worry, your secret's safe with me!" Lex proclaimed grandly, throwing his arms out and grinning widely.

God. That all had sounded so much better in his head.

...Lex didn't really _know_ , did he?

\--No, he couldn't. Not _really_.

He was just guessing.

...Right?

"You should celebrate too! With me!" Lex said far more enthusiastically than Clark was ready for.

And so he was caught completely off-guard as Lex waltzed forward -- actually _waltzed_ , to music only he could hear -- and took Clark by the arm, steering him towards the roof exit.

Clark suddenly realized that Lex hadn't really said _why_ he'd turned off the green-K security measures, or why Clark was a 'special guest', or anything at _all_ , really.

"Lex, wait," Clark said, stopping in place.

Lex's hand slipped from Clark's arm and he just came to a stop, turning back to him.

It belatedly occurred to Clark that Lex hadn't been forcefully dragging him along -- he'd have nearly toppled forward if he'd been doing that.

No, Lex had been _gently tugging him along_.

What the hell?

Clark looked at Lex, and it was on the tip of his tongue to all-but-plead, 'Lex, what is going on?' because that was what he really wanted to know.

But instead he asked, "Lex, why am I here?" because it somehow got tangled up in his brain somewhere before he was able to get it out.

But Lex wasn't offended at all. He didn't even look confused.

He just said simply, "You're here because I want you to be."

And then he smiled slightly and added, "And because you want you to be."

And his smile turned cagey and he said, "And Zatanna gave me the best idea _ever_ and she said she'd help out if I was right."

Clark's brain stuttered to a stop, going 'Uhhhhhh...'

He only managed to get out, "Were you right?"

Lex grinned, and the fireworks, magical or mundane, didn't have anything on him.

"Uh huh," Lex said, his grin getting wider. "Aren't I always?" Lex said, and he stepped forward and placed a hand on Clark's arm.

Clark, his reflexes dulled from the earlier overreactions and lack of green-K radiation poisoning being liberally applied to his person, didn't flinch away immediately.

"Lex," Clark said carefully. "I think maybe you're just a little drunk."

"Mmm," Lex hummed in a manner somewhat approaching agreement.

Ok. Wow. Yeah. Clark needed to figure out a way to get Lex off the roof, _now_ , because if Clark just left him, he'd probably manage to find a way to accidentally stagger off the roof of the building, and Clark would almost certainly get blamed for not catching the president-elect and saving him from becoming street pizza.

"How much did you have to drink?" Clark asked him, as Lex started staring at the S-shield on his chest, close-up.

"One glass," said Lex, reaching up with his free hand to lightly trace the lines of the 'S'.

"One--" Clark blanked out for a moment.

Oh.

Oh _no_.

"Lex, it wasn't champagne, was it?" Clark asked lightly, thinking _please no, please no, please no, **please** no_.

Lex dropped his hand, looked up at Clark coyly through his eyelashes, and _giggled_.

...Ok, Clark was absolutely _not_ drinking anything handed to him. Screw Zatanna's "help" given to _the enemy_.

"Lex, I think maybe we should get you inside," Clark said, steeling himself against all temptation of strangling Zatanna next he got ahold of her. That champagne made people completely smashed and torched their inhibitions something fierce. Clark would be lucky if Lex didn't decide to let all of his 'Superman killer' projects loose in the city all at once in a bout of drunken 'hey, this'll be fun!' insane drunken laughter.

"You too," Lex demanded almost petulantly, tugging at Clark's arm with plucking fingers.

Clark made a neutral noncommittal noise.

Lex twisted his lips together, pursing them, and said, "Do you have to be so difficult all the time? It's a party. My party. Everybody's supposed to have fun. Don't be so difficult always."

And then Lex stepped forward right into Clark's personal space and raised something up next to Clark's ear.

Clark only got out, "What--" before he belatedly tried to pull away -- failed -- realized that Lex's hand, wrapped around his arm like steel, felt _stronger_ than him -- realized Lex must have blue-K on him -- had a disorienting moment of sheer, utter confusion as he wondered why Lex was using blue on him instead of green when Lex never had before -- started to pull away again more firmly, too late -- and then Clark heard an odd, wavering, almost-musical tone and blacked out.

~*~*~*~*~*~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Muhahaha cliffy. Yes.
> 
> I shall write+post more tomorrow.


	2. But The Cleanup Can Be A Bitch

~*~*~*~*~*~

Clark woke slowly in bed, arms encircling his loved one.

He hummed happily and snuggled a little closer. He rarely got a morning like this.

Something small nagged at him though. He frowned a little and tried to amp up his hearing.

...He couldn't hear the traffic outside.

He couldn't really hear anything except the soft breathing of...

Clark slowly cracked open his eyes.

He was staring at the back of a bare bald head.

Unless somebody had played a really cruel practical joke on him and his fiance, this was not Lois.

Then his brain went 'Urk,' as the feel of the flat, well-muscled nature of the torso his arms were encircling finally caught up with him.

_Oh nonononono!_

Clark went rigid.

_\--Zatanna! I am going to **get** you for this!!_

And then he heard a sleepy mutter and Lex Luthor stirred in his arms.

He knew the moment Lex came awake, shifting slightly and almost audibly frowning.

He also knew the moment Lex realized that Superman was not-quite-cuddling him in bed. Lex froze, too.

There was a moment of calm.

And then Lex shot out his arm to--

Clark shoved out his hands just a little bit faster, grabbed Lex by both wrists, and pulled Lex's arms back to his chest in a restraining basket hold.

Lex froze up for a moment, then snarled something quietly under his breath and tried to yank his wrists free.

Clark held on and Lex only succeeded in wrenching his shoulders.

When Lex tried to kick back at him, Clark just wrapped his own legs around Lex's, grapevine-style, and kept Lex from moving with the additional leverage he had from behind.

Eventually, Lex stopped struggling.

Lex was panting by this point, and Clark was breathing carefully in through the nose, out through the mouth.

"You calm?" Clark asked him finally.

He got another quiet snarl in response.

"Are you going for Kryptonite or a weapon?" Clark asked evenly.

Lex went tellingly silent.

After a long pause, Clark said, in just as reasonable a tone, "Then I'm not letting go."

" _Fuck you_ ," Lex spat out.

"I certainly hope not," Clark said evenly, despite the fact that he was panicking a little inwardly at just that. They were both in their underwear, under the sheets...

...and Clark couldn't remember anything from the night before.

With the way that Lex went rigid, Clark figured that Lex probably didn't either.

"See," Clark continued in a smooth conversational tone, "This is why mind-controlling me is a bad idea. It never ends well for anyone."

There was a long pause. Clark could almost hear the gears turning inside Lex's mind.

"...I didn't mind-control you," Lex said finally.

"I can't remember anything after that weird musical tone you played by my ear, and I can't think of any possible other reason I could have to fall asleep in bed with you. I'm pretty sure that points to mind-control," Clark informed him.

" 'Weird musical--' ?"

Clark whistled an approximate start to the noise, then stopped.

There was another long pause.

"That device isn't supposed to do that," Lex said quietly.

Clark stifled a sigh, gave up, and decided to play Lex's game as per the usual status quo -- he allowed Lex an out even though he knew Lex had done it and it was all his fault, and Lex would get away with it, but have to grudgingly grumble through the process of fixing what he'd been caught out doing in order to do so.

"Well, I guess Zatanna must have decided to 'help out' by modifying it for you, like that champagne she got you to drink," Clark offered.

Lex clenched his jaw and muttered something unkind-sounding under his breath.

"What?' Clark asked.

"I said, hypothermia," Lex said peevishly.

"...What?"

"Hypothermia's a reason to be in bed with me," Lex elaborated.

Clark was pretty sure that hadn't been what he'd said earlier.

"You have other staff members, a huge heated jacuzzi, and tons of blankets, I'm sure," Clark said, in an I-don't-think-so tone.

"Heat could've gone out."

"Again, blankets, and you could buy an entire hotel in the city with working central heating and go stay in one of the rooms there instead, without even noticing the change in your bank account," Clark said.

"I--"

"Look," Clark said, getting down to brass tacks, "Either we can keep squabbling like children and wrestling in bed trying to one-up each other, or we can try to act like responsible, mature adults and go out there and do damage control without murdering each other. Your choice."

" _Fine_ ," Lex gritted out, and then he chose.

...All things considered, Clark was more than a little surprised that Lex picked the second option.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Lex sat up slowly in bed along with the alien. He waited semi-impatiently for his arms to be released.

Then he turned to face the alien head-on.

Then he blinked and his eyes dropped to the dip of the alien man's neck and what resided there.

He saw the alien look confused in his peripheral vision and drop his chin, gazing downwards.

He saw the alien frown slightly as he lifted the thin chain with the blue crystalline rock and fingered it.

It also didn't escape him when the alien's gaze slammed back up to Lex again, his wary focus resumed.

Lex felt the usual mix of amusement, satisfaction, irritation, and anger flare up as the alien remembered that taking his eyes and attention off of Lex for even a split-second was never a good idea.

Lex fought the urge to sigh. He really wasn't in the mood at the moment. Certainly, he felt the alien _should_ react so to him... just not when Lex wasn't particularly interested in shooting him in the head.

Instead, he reached up behind the alien's neck with both hands and undid the clasp at the back of his neck.

He noted the flinch and flickering of eyes following his hands as he did so.

The alien didn't move otherwise, though. He was very still throughout.

...until the chain came loose, at which point the alien grabbed it and tossed it across the room to hit the far wall with a soft thunk.

Idiot.

Lex waited.

...Then he remembered that he'd left the green-K safeties off earlier that evening. All of them.

Wonderful.

He found himself very highly aware of the fact that he had one rather angry Kryptonian in his bed, now fully-powered, and no Kryptonite within reach.

Damnit. He knew he should've gotten those voice-override commands for his security system installed last week. He'd heard his security staff had finally finished figuring out a fix for the secure channels and how to reconfigure the hardware to support it. (Fucking Oliver Queen and his League and their invasive tech advances. 'Superman' was bad enough as it was.) It just hadn't seemed pressing at the time, given that he'd be moving out shortly. (And that Queen wouldn't dare try the same around the White House, or risk getting his ass thrown in jail for treason.)

With all this in mind, Lex straightened and said--

"I need coffee."

And then he got up, put on his robe, and walked out of the room.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Clark blinked after Lex, then super-sped into his uniform and followed him warily out into the center area.

"You know that you should probably be drinking water, not something caffeinated that will dehydrate you and make your hangover even worse, right?" Clark said, because he could hear the pulse of Lex's blood at the periphery of his super-hearing pounding at a higher pressure through Lex's head. He couldn't imagine how Lex was staying upright without staggering about like a zombie -- practice, maybe?

He got an outraged glare from Lex for his trouble, but after Lex resolutely and obstinately put the coffeepot on anyway, he got himself a glass and pitcher of water and sat himself down on a stool at the kitchen table.

"See anything you don't like?" he heard Lex say as he poured himself a glass, and Clark resolutely did not wince, because Lex had invited him in last night, he hadn't been inside the building in _years_ , and he was darn well going to take advantage of being able to use his x-ray vision from the inside out.

So he noted all the defense mechanisms and where he could melt the joints to disable them from outside. Assuming Lex didn't change them all after he left, anyway.

He was almost disappointed that Lex hadn't thought to make the building x-ray proof from the inside, too.

"You don't actually keep the inside-Kryptonite stuff on all the time when I'm not here, do you?" Clark told him, frowning. "That stuff's bad for you." The entire penthouse apartment looked decked out like it was ready to flood the entire area with radiation at a moment's notice.

Honestly, he was wondering why Lex hadn't just turned it on and dosed him with it the moment he'd taken off the blue-K necklace. ...And where the hell had he gotten that, anyway?

He glanced back to Lex, who was openly staring at him now.

"No, I generally don't irradiate myself in the middle of the night for fun when there's no point to it," Lex said finally.

They both started when the sound of a door opening echoed through the apartment, and footsteps and a closing shuffle shortly followed.

Clark checked through the walls quickly, and then winced again because--

"Hello, idiots," said the vice-president-elect, as he walked into the kitchen and tossed a bag of bagels onto the counter.

"Ross," Lex said evenly.

Great. The last person Clark really wanted to be seeing right now. Pete Ross.

He hadn't exactly parted on the best of terms with his ex-friend back when he'd left Smallville, and the factory incident hadn't really repaired anything.

Not if his current level of animosity towards 'Superman' was any sort of really blunt clue.

Clark slowly and deftly, but subtly moved around the side of the table so he was closer to Lex than Pete.

"How bad is it?" Lex asked Ross.

Pete tossed a paper on the table, and then pulled a folder out from under his arm and set it down in front of him as he pulled up his own stool.

"Daily Planet's screaming about mind-control," Pete said. And then he got a cruel smirk. "Everybody else pretty much thinks it's about time."

"What?" Lex said, glancing up at him like he was out of his mind.

Clark sighed, rolled his eyes, reached over with his right hand, and pulled Lex's left hand up in front of his face. He brought his own left hand up for comparison.

Clark had the dubious privilege of Lex nearly turning into a snarling mess all over again at the manhandling, and then pause and get a blank look as his focus suddenly snapped to the matching gold rings on each of their ring fingers.

Pete snickered.

"One of is is going to have to have a chat with Zatanna about how 'helpful' she's being. Rings that don't come off don't seem like one of those things," Clark informed him dryly.

"What?" Lex said, staring at his hand like it wasn't attached to him. He then glanced up at Clark for a moment, before trying to tug off his own ring.

"Unless you suddenly gained super-strength, it's not coming off," Clark informed him, plunking down next to him.

"Just because yours didn't--" Lex complained, still tugging at it.

"I tried on both," Clark said. "Well, tugging, anyway. I only tried melting off my own."

Lex looked up at him in disbelief, giving up on the ring for the moment, and said, "When did you--?"

"Super-speed," Clark reminded him.

Lex glared.

"Yeah, so congratulations you two, you're both screwed," Pete finished with another snicker.

Clark sighed and muttered, "Well, at least Hawk and Dove will be happy about it."

"It's not a legal marriage, Ross," Lex spat out, then turned to Clark and gave him an uncomprehending look.

"That equal-opportunity same-sex marriage, civil union thing, whatever -- that bill finally passed the House last week and got signed two days ago," Clark reminded him, propping his head up, elbow on the table. Clark smiled, because that had been one of his mom's bills. It had taken him some doing to convince her to back it, somewhat along the same lines as he'd done about the illegal immigration stuff she'd previously been just as hypocritical about. After all, if you wanted to try and convince a real live outer-space illegal alien who was supposedly loved by an entirely different species that his presence on the planet was all right and that all beings were capable of giving and receiving love and that that was ok...

"So?" Lex needled him.

"So, it had a provision in there that referred to all intelligent beings being able to do it," Clark said, and it had sure helped that the public had felt sympathetic to a few of the openly gay Heroes to garner political support for it. Lex pulled a face, and Clark added, because he could, "And the pair of them have always laughed about how straight guys should get on drunken benders and accidentally marry their bros, too, because gay marriage is 'totally under-represented' in the 'oops-marriage' category of--"

Lex turned to Clark and gave him his 'shut the hell up now before I decide to vaporize you with this here conveniently-placed death ray' look, and Clark shut the hell up.

"Fine, an annulment, then," Lex said, waving a hand as if it was no trouble.

"You can't get an annulment, either," Pete informed Lex with another snicker.

"Why the hell not?" Lex demanded.

Pete gave him a sideways look as he tore into a bagel. "You weren't misrepresented any facts -- you know perfectly well who and what he is," Pete said, nodding at Clark. "Supes isn't certifiably crazy--"

"--says you," Lex muttered.

"Hey!" Clark protested.

"Spandex," Lex muttered marginally more quietly.

"--and you weren't coerced or provably out of your right mind with intoxication, because you'd only had one glass of champagne," Pete ended.

"Fine," Lex growled. " _He_ can get an annulment."

"No, actually, I can't," Clark rounded on him. "You managed to use your political clout to defeat that other piece of legislation a couple months ago." Clark glared at him. "You know, the one where aliens would automatically be given the same consideration and equal rights as humans?"

"I can marry an alien, but I can't divorce him?" Lex muttered, downing his water like a shot of something stronger.

"It's a tricky legal quagmire," Pete said cheerfully.

Lex and Clark both stared at Pete.

"...We can't get divorced?" Clark said uneasily, wondering what he didn't know.

"Oh, sure you can," Pete said, grinning. "Just got done talking to the LexCorp lawyers about it, in fact," he said, sliding the folder he had in front of him forward.

Clark eyed it like it was a snake that might bite him.

Lex tapped his fingers on the top of the folder, then flipped it open. "Mind elaborating on th--"

Clark watched Lex go absolutely expressionless.

He leaned over slightly and glanced at the first page.

...Lex had signed all of his property over into common holding with Clark -- well, Kal-El.

Apparently, so had he.

"You two divorce, and he flys away with half of LexCorp," he said gesturing at Clark. "And he," gesturing at Lex, "gets half the Fortress."

"Good luck getting in," Clark said, crossing his arms. All he'd have to do is turn the AI back on, and Lex would be shit out of luck.

"You'd have to 'give over the keys' for common use for the both of you or sell it and slit the proceeds," Pete pointed out.

Well, shit.

"He... he was mind-controlled by me!" Lex said, pointing at Clark. "Coercion and temporary insanity are grounds for annulment!"

"Then he'd have to file for the annulment. You can't do it for him," Pete said smugly.

"Wait, how can I legally own property I can sign away, but not be able to get an annulment?" Clark asked, not liking to think of the Fortress in Lex's hands. Not any part of it.

Not that _selling_ it to somebody else would be any better. He wouldn't trust it in Chloe or Oliver's hands either.

"Because of that 'all intelligent beings are recognized as sentient people' thing the League got through, before the court ruling said that aliens didn't necessarily get basic human rights as a part of that that prompted the legislation Luthor here got canned," Pete said, gesturing at said Luthor. "You technically can't own things yourself, but you can have them held in trust for you by an intelligent party. Since you're an intelligent being, and thus a 'sentient person', you _can_ hold them in _trust_ for yourself, instead."

Great. And now his brain hurt.

"So why can't he just submit the annulment paperwork for himself as custodian of himself?" Lex countered.

"Sentient beings don't get decisions made for them about who they want to marry," Pete said. "You could try to go that route," he said, then got a cagey smile. "But good luck convincing him of that."

"Why wouldn't I want an annulment?" Clark said with a sinking feeling.

"Welllllll," Pete said, drawing it out like he knew he was going to enjoy the punchline and wanted to savor it. "It would look _really_ bad if our president had a bad habit of beating up his husband and trying to kill him, right?"

Lex made a choked sound.

Clark blinked.

"A good, upstanding husband would also _support_ his spouse in goodwill efforts to other countries and their work, Heroic or otherwise," Pete continued lightly, talking around the bagel he was chewing.

Lex _twitched_.

Clark blinked.

He turned to look down at Lex, sitting by his side.

"No," Lex said decisively, looking up at him. "Just-- _no_."

Clark stared at him.

"I said no."

Clark started to smile.

"No!" Lex said, sounding irate and almost desperate.

Clark grinned.

" _ **Damnit, Clark!**_ " Lex yelled.

The grin slipped right off of his face.

"...What did you say?" Superman-slash-Kal-El-slash-one-Clark-Jerome-Kent asked weakly.

"I _said_ \--" Lex started heatedly, then stopped.

"...You didn't know I knew?" Lex said dangerously.

"You did?" Clark blurted out in shock.

"Lack of misrepresentation of identity. It's a beautiful thing," Pete said winningly.

Clark and Lex both turned to stare at him.

"Congratulations!" Pete said with a grin, raising his half-eaten bagel like a toast.

~*~*~*~*~*~


End file.
